Absolutely fuming, because the SSA decided I owe them a shitload of money because I went over the disability resource limit… And it appears based on the dates they claim to be because of payments they gave me. Payments which did not count as a resource for the months that they claim I owe them for.
So now I gotta go through the bullshit appeal process and just hope they admit their mistake so I don’t have to take it to actual court, which, like, I’m disabled. I can barely leave the house as it is. How the hell am I expected to manage that?

But in brighter news, my long distance girlfriend got a VR headset so she can cuddle with me even with an ocean between us. That’s brightened my week a lot in spite of everything.

I’m beginning to wonder what romance is as well, after gaining close friends, especially one very close friend, who considers everything I once considered romantic to be just friendly interaction. That was kinda the catalyst for me to start wondering what it is a relationship can even offer me if I can have friends like this anyway.

Ah, don’t worry, I wasn’t trying to defend myself. More trying to understand my own feelings via comparison. Because I know that for some reason I do still want and enjoy romantic relationships, but I don’t know why, since I get so much from my friends. It makes it difficult to know when somebody would be a good romantic partner for me because I don’t know what I want from them in the first place, as evidence by the fact that all my exs have ended up making better friends for me than partners.

I think it’s a bit of both in my case. I have a lot of popular friends, and that happens to turn a lot of heads my way and make some people insecure around me, but I also act unintentionally rude quite often, which I’ve been making an effort to fix, and I’ve been told by some people that it does make me look stuck up until people get to know me and realize I’m not rude, just very autistic.

I do have that resting bitch face (if you can see my profile picture, that’s evidence enough.) I also have a habit of being unintentionally rude on account of autism. It causes most people who interact with me to really quickly turn away because I give off the vibe that I don’t wanna be around them, even when I am enjoying their company. I end up being unintentionally popular anyway though because most of my friends are very popular, on account of them being so social even my unintentional rudeness couldn’t turn them away. And naturally having a lot of popular friends turns heads in my direction as well.

As far as sexual reasons go, I don’t really need that myself. I’m not exactly asexual, I’m sexually attracted to people, I just find it’s easy enough to take care of that need without a partner.

Losing friends to relationships though, I haven’t ever had that happen. I just become friends with their partner too and absorb them into my friend group.

Although I found out that way through some of them that apparently I give off a really intimidating aura. Apparently I give off the vibes of “the popular girl who refuses to associate herself with the peasants” as somebody said. They tend to be pretty shocked I had any interest in being friends with them at all.

I can see that perspective, and maybe subconsciously it is that stability I’m looking for, especially because I’ve gone through 2 separate traumatic events that resulted in me losing every friend I had, the second, the only person who stayed with me was my ex, who I was dating at the time.

I guess though I kinda feel like I have achieved some level of stability even without a relationship. That ex I just mentioned is still a good friend, and he and his girlfriend talk constantly about trying to move closer to me, because at this point they both consider me more of family than just a friend.

And it’s like that for most of my close friends. I’ve got some that come and go, but my tightknit inner circle seems here to stay at least, at least for a very long time. I can see the appeal of wanting somebody to be there for my entire life though. Granted, the only people I can think of that I want that out of are the friends I already have, but on account of the fact that my friend group is practically composed purely of exs and people who’ve rejected me romantically already, it seems I’ll have to look elsewhere. Although that’s kind of a sad prospect to me, that I don’t get to choose any of them to stay by my side forever.

The long story short:
Fell in love with somebody, she rejected me, but we ended up becoming very close friends anyway. Now she’s going through a medical crisis and has been leaning on me a lot to get through it emotionally. Besides emotional support, I’ve been reminding her that even as friends I still love her, in fact a lot more than before. Hearing that she says has cheered her up a lot and really helped.
I don’t take it her answer will change given her reasons for rejecting me, but I’ve come to realize I don’t need it to as much as I thought I did. It’s enough for me that my love for her makes her happy. That’s all I need.

So I’d say in spite of everything seeming like it should be going wrong, I’m having a great week, and I’m going to try to keep having good weeks so she can rely on me to help her through whatever she needs.

I agree about BMI often being a bad measurement. Even my own doctors ignore it on me because my BMI is well into the obese range and yet every other measurement of health is in the healthy range, most well into it. My body fat for instance is just below 30%, which is perfectly healthy for a woman. My waist line is well into healthy range as well. Additionally, all my tests such as blood tests come back more than healthy and show that I’m not at risk for any obesity related conditions. Of course, I don’t look like the standard “healthy” body most people imagine a woman should have. I would look fat to anyone who doesn’t know the full picture.
That’s why I always hated that whole thing people say that “If you’re BMI is high and you’re still healthy it’ll be really obvious.” People just assume that high BMI and healthy means muscular, when you can have a normal body fat percentage as well as other measurements but still have a high BMI.
This is even ignoring the fact that even when you are genuinely obese and unhealthy, it often stems from body image issues in the first place. The same way a depressed person often goes “I’m doing everything wrong anyway so why bother even trying?” A fat person often is having the struggle of “I’m ugly anyway so why even bother trying to be pretty and healthy? Healthy just means I gotta live longer being ugly.” That’s why berating people for being fat usually doesn’t work. It just makes them feel worse and reinforces that idea they already have that they’re too ugly to bother. Sure, some people it might kick into gear to try their best to lose weight to prove they’re not ugly, but that’s the difference between somebody who still has hope and somebody that’s already lost it all.

The most cathartic moment of my entire life was when I encountered that exact thing in a thread from over a decade ago expecting that to be it and lost all hope, only to find somebody replied calling them out and telling them to share their solution or future googlers were gonna be very upset. They posted their solution and it did, indeed, work.
Don’t even remember what the issue was, but the wave of relief was amazing enough that I still remember the feeling to this day.

Responding late but as somebody who has trouble expressing emotions through words but easily communicates through music, I’ve been waiting my whole life for somebody to ask this exact question.

Edit to note that a lot of these songs are Japanese, but they have subtitles. Also it’s mostly Vocaloid, which can be grating to hear to people not used to that kind of music.

First up, This specific cover of “Dark Woods Circus” gets my childhood down pretty well.
Second, experience the immediate mental consequences of that childhood with “Echo.”
Third, “Abstract Nonsense.” …yeah…
Fourth, “I’m Glad You’re Evil Too,” finally a happy one, still my favorite song.
Fifth, “Tell Me Why”
Sixth, “Out of Sight, Out of Mind,”
Seventh, and last, describing my life today, “Life Starts Now.”

It’s been rough so far. I still have really, really bad days, but things are looking up. I’ve been genuinely happy more days in a row the past month than ever happened in the rest of my life.

I think I’ve given the misimpression that I immediately jump to blaming my partner for everything and telling them they’re a bad person. I used to do that, but not so much anymore. How things typically go nowadays is that I explain that I’m having an irrational thought because of a traumatic memory, and try to guide them through what I need them to do for me to help me feel better. However, the more common response, instead of listening to me about what I need, is for people to tell me that I’m taking the wrong approach and that they have a better solution to alleviating my fears. This inevitably leads to me having an emotional snapping moment where their solution didn’t work, my emotions spiraled out of control, and now I think they’re evil. This is immediately followed by me breaking down crying, apologizing profusely, and feeling like the whole thing was my fault. What I need people to understand is that I know what works for me and I cannot compromise on that.

I suppose it’s actually a little inaccurate to say nobody ever has a better solution, because my most recent ex actually was able to really easily keep me under control, simply by overloading me with being super nice every time I was about to have an outburst to the point where my brain would just short circuit and go “I couldn’t possibly have been thinking anything bad about her, right? Because I can’t see a single bad thing right now.” We still, however, ended up breaking up due to an emotional outburst of mine, but that was a very rare case where everyone who witnessed it or heard the story said it was justified (she was the one who I accused of being a compulsive liar, but she had literally just tried to gaslight me into believing I had never once told her I was uncomfortable with some aggressive types of advances she made on me, even though I said it constantly, all the time, and repeatedly asked her to stop. The only issue was I accused her of lying about a lot more than she actually had lied about.)

Unfortunately, my mental health issues just straight up aren’t going to go away. I can’t do anything except eliminate the triggers that cause them, and that’s what I want people to understand and help me do. I’m not expecting people to sit down and take my emotional blowups. I’m expecting them to work with me to prevent them in the first place. That’s what this new friend is so good at. Because she listens to me about what I need, with the sole exception of if it crosses her boundaries, where she informs me so I can work around it and work with her to find a solution that she is capable of doing for me.

And it’s not like people gain nothing from me. I’m told I’m exceptionally good at emotional support and giving good advice (which is largely because I have to do these things for myself all the time, and I’m exceptionally more fucked up than the average person I’m supporting.) I’m also the kind of person who doesn’t feel the least bit bad if somebody can’t be there for me all the time (in fact, I kinda appreciate it because it gives me plenty of chances to learn better control of my emotions without the need of somebody’s help.)

But even with all that said, maybe I am still asking too much. Evidently most people still can’t handle it, so at this point I probably have to admit it’s not a normal thing to expect of somebody, even if to me it feels like the bare minimum.

My physical health is constantly monitored because there are some issues there, but nobody can identify the root cause of most of them. I get constant blood tests done to check the levels of things like my electrolytes and stuff (at least I assume that’s what they’re checking considering they label it as metabolic.) All my levels there are completely normal.

However, I am trans (mtf,) so my estrogen and testosterone levels get tested a lot, and while they’ve found my testosterone is consistently exactly where it’s supposed to be, my estrogen swings extremely wildly far beyond what it’s supposed to. I have times where my estrogen is consistently measured as being much higher than it’s supposed to regardless of how long after my injection it’s measured, and I have times where where my estrogen is practically nonexistent only a few days after doing the injection. The cause is unknown and an effective solution has not been found. It leads, of course, to me being incredibly moody for no reason a lot, on top of my mental health issues. But for some reason people are way more understanding with “sorry I yelled at you, my estrogen was through the floor” than they are “sorry I yelled at you, I have a collection of severe mental illnesses.” That’s a totally separate vent though about how people are way more understanding about physical health than mental health even though it matters just as much.

There’s a slight chance I have sleep apnea, but I’ve been told it’s pretty low. I did do one sleep study and nothing unusual was found. I do, however, suffer from horrific migraines, and have my whole life. I also have bizarre nerve issues in my lower back and legs that only Tylenol relieves. For whatever reason, stronger pain relievers, even opiods, do nothing for it.

As far as thyroid issues, I get checked for that constantly because they run in my family. Also, I do have high inflammation markers for some mysterious reason, but no inflammation has been found anywhere in my body. I also have oddly high white blood cell counts every time it’s ever been measured. They were looking for a cause for that at first, but after literally over a decade of zero positive results and more doctor’s appointments in a year than there are months, they eventually just had to say maybe it’s just like that for no important reason.

So yeah, my physical health is perhaps just as fucked up as my mental health. I’m actually considered legally disabled for that reason.

On a note about the aro ace thing you mentioned, I’ve actually been through that. It ended up turning out that I only identified as aro ace because my religious upbringing made me terrified of romance and sex. At this point I identify as biromantic and probably demisexual. It was definitely a scary thing at first indeed, but I found myself much happier once I’d finally come to terms with who I really was. Just remember that you don’t have to figure yourself out all at once, and you’re allowed to get it wrong as well. Nobody knows perfectly who they are, so if you have to change your labels a few more times, or even a lot more times, before you’ve started to find your footing, just go for it.

Separating myself and being alone works to an extent. If I’m not breaking down yet but know I’m starting to get irrational, I find if I don’t allow myself to say anything, and simply remove myself from the presence of anybody who could be hurt, I can often abort the episode entirely. However, that doesn’t always work. Sometimes it makes it worse and I have to bring myself back to them and straight up ask “hey, this thing you did made me feel like you might be trying to betray me. Why did you actually do that?” Answering that question makes it much easier to dismiss my anxieties.
There’s also a strategy I’ve deployed with my first ex after our breakup, since we’re still friends and they have a very similar set of disorders, where we have times we allow each other to have controlled blowups at each other, knowing explicitly that that’s what we’re doing. It makes it easier not to blow up at other people. The only rule is we never do it at the same time. Being able to shout all kinds of horrible things and have somebody just go “yeah, whatever, I get it. Do your thing.” is extremely therapeutic for both of us.
We also, after we’re finished blowing up, go over what we said and analyze whether it was rational and how to avoid similar thoughts. Realizing fully why something doesn’t make sense makes it easy to dismiss later so we don’t fall down the same irrational path the same way later, and have fewer blowups over time. It’s a powerful tool to be able to go “I’m feeling X way about Y thing, but I’ve felt that way before and determined it was irrational, so it can’t magically be rational this time.”

I appreciate the support. I think I’m just having a bit of a bad few days. Every issue feels 1000x worse than it really is right now, so I suppose the best I can do is get through it until I’m thinking rationally again.

All therapy I’ve received thus far has been simple talk therapy. I was supposed to receive CBT at one point, but the therapist ended up needing to drop me because she didn’t have enough training in my combination of issues to properly address the problem. I have an anxiety disorder (what anxiety disorder is currently unknown, but GAD runs in the family.) I have schizoaffective disorder, which is well controlled with meds, but still results in me being more irrational than normal sometimes and more depressed that normal others. I might have PTSD, but that’s not diagnosed, just something my psychiatrist has brought up multiple times. The same for BPD, which they have difficulty diagnosing because the symptoms overlap extremely heavily with schizoaffective. On the less severe side, but still effecting how effective therapy is for me, I have autism and ADHD. On top of everything else, I’ve been known to display symptoms of dissociative identity disorder, but not enough to get diagnosed.
Very few therapists can deal with all of those issues at once, so I’ve had trouble finding any. I currently don’t have one, and am on a waiting list to find a new one, but due to my combination of issues it’s taking dramatically longer than usual.

My bar for a relationship right now is literally just that they don’t flee when I cry about something stupid, and that they don’t yell at me when I tell them they’re scaring me and triggering traumatic memories. Both of these things would seem like obvious things almost anybody could provide, but when I’m crying constantly or trauma is getting triggered multiple times a day, even the best people walk out, or snap. Because my emotional outbursts are triggered by constantly feeling like I’m reliving old traumas, even when there’s literally no reason to feel that way. 99% of people don’t have the emotional fortitude to reassure me every day that no, they didn’t suddenly decide today that they secretly want to destroy my life. Presented with fears of betrayal enough times, I’ve never been in a relationship where they didn’t finally snap and become convinced that I thought they were a terrible person. My first ex became convinced that they were a terrible person and that must be why I constantly fear betrayal. Another ex ended up calling me a crazy bitch because they thought there was no way I was constantly having these thoughts and didn’t genuinely believe them to be true.
The most recent friend I made is the only one I’ve found who was able to handle it flawlessly. Most times, she found it really easy to simply reassure me it wasn’t true, and if I crossed and boundaries, she’d simply tell me I had so I could step back for a minute and reevaluate myself. She never blew up at me. She never fled because my emotions were getting too intense. And most importantly, she never blamed herself for me having irrational fears about her. That’s a rare combination to have all in one person.

An emotional outburst for me is crying hysterically over things that don’t matter, sometimes accusing people of doing things without evidence because people have done them to me before, and most commonly, starting arguments in an attempt to prove to myself that somebody must really be as bad as I subconsciously think they are, so I have an excuse to leave and not risk getting hurt again.
I’ve gotten quite good at recognizing when an emotional outburst is happening so I can warn people I’m gonna be completely irrational for a bit, but most people when presented with “you betrayed me, haven’t you?” whether or not they know it’s just an outburst I can’t control, still get incredibly offended and leave rather than make any attempt to calm my fears.
An example would be the fight that broke up my last relationship. They said something that sounded a little suspicious. I said that, even though I knew it was irrational, I was starting to feel like they’d lied to me about everything they’d said, because I’d been through that before, and asked for reassurance. Instead of reassurance, they became angry at me for accusing them of lying about perfectly normal things. I, in turn, snapped completely, now genuinely accusing them of being a pathological liar because they wouldn’t reassure me they weren’t.

I can get along fine with the kind of people who can recognize that being irrational means I can’t always control myself, and who are willing to just simply reassure me that my fears aren’t founded, but if I’m not constantly supported in all the right ways, I will eventually have an outburst like the previously mentioned one, and most people can’t handle that.
The outbursts, once again, are something I’m physically incapable of controlling. The only thing I can do is avoid the situation that causes them, usually by communicating what irrational thoughts are on my mind so they can be dispelled before they become a huge issue. I cannot, however, stop myself in the middle of one. And the only way to actually avoid triggering an outburst ever is to become a hermit and refuse to ever interact with another human. The best I can ever hope for us to have people surrounding me who know how to prevent it, and can take it when one day it gets triggered anyway. And like I said, I’ve got friends who can handle it fine, but zero of them desire any kind of relationship.

Did you miss the part about ludicrous amounts of meds and therapy? I don’t mean to sound aggressive if I do. It’s an honest question.

It’s true. I get my password wrong all the time.