Politeness norms seem to keep a lot of folks from discussing or asking their trans friends questions they have, I figured at the very least I could help try to fill the gap. Lemmy has a decent trans population who might be able to provide their perspectives, as well.
Mostly I’m interested in what people are holding back.
The questions I’ve been asked IRL:
- why / how did you pick your name?
- how long have you known?
- how long before you are done transitioning?
- how long do you have to be on HRT?
- is transgender like being transracial?
- what do the surgeries involve?
For the most part, though, I get silence - people don’t want to talk about it, or are afraid to. A lot of times the anxiety is in not knowing how to behave or what would be offensive or not. Some people have been relieved when they learned all they needed to do is see me as my gender, since that became very simple and easy for them.
If there are trans people you know IRL, do you feel you can talk to them about it? Not everyone is as open about it as I am, and questions can be feel rude, so I understand why people would feel hesitant to talk to me, but even when I open the door, people rarely take the opportunity.
For trans women who haven’t or don’t intend to get bottom surgery: What is the line between a man who just happens to enjoy a good penis and likes yours, vs someone who is fetishizing it? I have never pursued a trans woman (to my knowledge), but as a dude who thinks some cocks are nice regardless of who they’re on, I always wondered how you approach that approvingly without seeming objectifying.
Another consideration is how the penis is related to in terms of your gender, if a guy is into the woman because she has a penis, does he see her penis as a woman’s genital, or is it still male?
One way to explore this is to ask how you would feel if the penis were not used for penetration, not even used erect - would you still be attracted to her if her penis remained flaccid and was stimulated more like a clit?
If you want her primarily to take a “masculine role” in bed, and you primarily want her penis to function like a man’s penis, the appeal might be motivated from a place that on some level still thinks of her and her genitals as male.
Sometimes it’s just about the novelty and taboo, which are frequent objects of sexual desire (think of how popular incest porn is, etc.). Sometimes it’s about a repressed bi- or homo-sexuality, where the woman with male genitals becomes an ideal basis for fulfilling some of that forbidden desire.
Simply seeing the gentials as male is probably common, and on its own isn’t the biggest crime, but if that translates to not seeing and treating her as a woman I think that can be really problematic.
The issue of objectification is separate, and I would even argue some objectification can be desirable in sex (or at least aiming to never objectify does not seem like an absolute ideal), we sometimes wish to be sexual objects (whether that’s healthy or not) - but we rarely wish to be seen as men.