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Cake day: July 1st, 2023

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  • Not long after my mother recovered from chemotherapy, my grandmother passed away. I was tasked with disposing of my mother’s morphine, however I decided to take it for relief.

    I was addicted not to the feeling of being numb so much, but the initial euphoria. I would snort the morphine in powder form. I know I did some rudimentary conversion, however after kicking it I forgot every single step and cannot remember a lot of that time.
    Over a year had passed, yet my knowledge of it is very little. It feels as though I have lost parts of my life… Like I mean, literally lost.

    The euphoric kick got less and less prevalent, and I felt as though I needed more in order to gain that initial kick - however I wasn’t even aware of this effect happening, despite all manners of media being rife with this step of opiate addictions. The act of increasing dosages came so naturally I don’t even think I made a conscious decision to, yet my tolerance rose to points where I was taking multiple times the lethal dose (for someone with base tolerance levels).

    I saw what it was doing to me at one point, just by happenstance of looking into the mirror for a moment longer than usual.

    I went cold turkey, and it was… Well, hell doesn’t even describe how this felt. It took about a couple of weeks, with the first being the worst.
    I had locked myself up in my room, telling some folks to check up on me periodically, online friends mainly, and what to do if I don’t respond within a given time. I recall a moment where one of my friends was about to call an ambulance, because I was one minute late to answer (I was probably vomiting profusely).

    The very last time I did that was in the second or third week of November, 2012.

    I understand that going cold turkey could be very dangerous, especially with a built up tolerance, however at that point I would not have been able to wean myself off of the stuff. I was too far in, and without going extremely hard into it I probably would have died not too long after.

    If you have a friend going through opiate addiction, please be there for them. That’s all I can say.








  • I have much less wonder now, and it is ruining my day to day enjoyment at times. It is hard to dream big when you know more about the world, and how corrupt it all can be. They call it depression, but when reasons are provided for lack of opportunities it’s seen as downright shameful to be upset about it.

    I miss the times when I was more naive about the world, it made it all interesting.