Not sure why what? Btw I found this to add to the discussion - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=swpR41pRdMA - it seems market socialism is compatible with Marxism - markets existed before capitalism and will exist in market socialism too, while planning could be a mix of central and local.
You are a very good person, because you are reflective of your past, conscious of your actions, and have morals that gave you the guilt that you feel. You’re alright little one.