Update on my interview, I got the fucking job! I’ll be back in VR QA as a QA Analyst contracted at 20 hours a week with potential to go full time later in development, they’re paying about £18 ($22.72) - £20 ($25.24) an hour which is amazing as well, I can’t wait to actually have money again… I start in Mid April once I sign the contract (once they have actually written it up fully) and the NDA as well since the game is currently in development. Company seems very well managed too, I am working with two of my best friends from my old job who were absolutely lovely to work with (they actually got me the interview to begin with), so I am super excited to start mid April and to get an eye on the project we are gonna be making.

I am so fucking happy.

Been a rough week. Friend is going through a crisis and pushing everyone away. I’m simultaneously worried and mad. He kept giving reasons for being mad at us that contradicted his previous reasons, before going no contact with all of us.

I’ve checked his socials here and there to make sure he’s alive. I’m sure he’ll be back but I don’t think I can keep doing this.

My siblings have both already done the thing where they threaten to kill themselves then get mad when I take it seriously. I can’t have a third person doing that.

Sorry if that was heavy. It’s just hard because I love him but I carry all this grief from people who keep telling me they’ll die if I make a wrong move…

Last weekend I finally had my hormones in order after more than two decades of dissociation and discomfort.

It was like I woke up and the descriptions suddenly had a vividness, like someone upped the gain on my qualia. It’s hard to believe that this is what most of you feel every day. It’s such a privilege.

I just kept smelling my spices and enjoying the view outside, and the feeling of cold air on my lungs was amazing. And I could finally just feel OK and relax. The creepiest sensation was being deeply connected to my body and the fear of death it gave me. It’s visceral. How do you guys even deal with this?

Welp. I got into my design program. It was roughly a 50% chance of getting in so I’m glad. It’s just bittersweet since half of my class isn’t in the BFA.

Honestly thought I’d feel more happy about it, but I guess it’s hard when you’ve exhausted yourself… So now that spring break is happening, I’m giving myself a couple days to unwind and then I’ll start moving ahead with work.

Also trying a dating app. Which sucks. We’ll see if it ends up being a good or bad thing. But for now… I don’t think I’m going to engage in it that much. Feels weird.

Work has been going okay. I’m (unfortunately) getting back into Runescape, so that’s been my main method of passing the time both in the slower parts of my shift plus my weekends. I’m getting coffee with my big sister this coming weekend and, barring any last-minute hesitation, I intend to come out to her. I don’t know how she’ll respond, but she’s always been the one person I can go to with stuff that I don’t feel comfortable talking to my parents about, so I have my fingers crossed.

Too much responsibility, too many expectations. Even when I’m not working I feel it. I need a long vacation.

Work on Beehaw is inspirational and exciting. So, happy to be(e) a part of this project!

Struggling to get over a lingering cold this week, but pretty much good other than that!

Have a good week everyone!

It’s going okay. Tuesday was very difficult for me due to some sad dreams that just set the course for the rest of my morning. I’m very lucky to work a job where I’m able to take off if I need a mental health day, so I took advantage of that at wife’s insistence. Yesterday was better, and today is “fine” so I’m just looking forward to the weekend now. Haven’t worked out this week so I’m going to make sure to do something today, but the after-work walks with wife help get us moving and transition into a calmer evening, so it’s not a total wash, exercise-wise. The plan for today is listen to music that makes me happy, drink more water, no alcohol, and carry on.

I think my stomach might be getting better so that’s cool. We get Friday off work so thats also cool. Otherwise not much is going on, for better or for worse lol

Power’s been out since Saturday evening, and we’re one of three houses on our street that don’t have a whole-house hookup for our generator (my whole life is currently genny whine). Spent the last few days admiring and appreciating how our little neighborhood (19 houses) in the woods comes together for mutual aid so seamlessly. Our next door neighbor and I went out the night of the storm to clear debris from the road so folks could get out for any emergency supplies and so the crews could get in quicker, as well as to report any hazards on the lines. Everybody’s been checking on everybody to make sure needs are met.

I had reached out to some friends last week, looking for some pretty specific plants and offering some of our plants in trade, and were able to find a few of what we were looking for. One source surprised us, and hit me right in the feels. Apparently a friend of a friend does maintenance in Ganny’s Garden, part of the Kennebunkport conservation trust and Barbara Bush’s memorial garden, and she’s offered us plants from when they do their early season thinnings. The punk in me is excited to knick some plants from the Bush’s, but the quiet bookworm in me remembers a childhood trip to the Wells library with my grandmother where Barbara showed up unexpectedly, read to us, and handed out books left and right. It feels incredible to have the opportunity to literally plant that memory with my grandmother in the garden this year.

Really annoyed to find out that Google Play credit must entirely cover an app purchase or else it doesn’t get used at all. Oh, well. There are innumerable worse injustices out there.

Work still sucks. Still applying elsewhere. Still studying for the A+ cert. It feels hopeless. Even if I get the cert I’m still in competition with all these highly technical people who worked at like Google and Facebook.

Family are all sick with viruses and one with tonsillitis. There are also other health related issues with certain family members which have been dragging on for a while now. I’m the sort of person who rarely gets sick, so I have to be the nurse while working my 5 days a week. It’s hard and I’m not the best nurse if the truth be told, so I’m getting sick of the attitudes from people I’m trying to help. People aren’t really themselves when they’re sick so I’m just trying to be patient and tell myself that it won’t always be like this.