Please be kind with me as I am new to this platform. I was at a club when a very handsome guy, totally my type, started dancing with me. I don’t know what gave me the courage to take the half finished beer from his hand and take a sip of it without asking. I then gave his beer back to him, and he said he had to go but will be right back. It was an excuse to stop dancing with me since he just stayed put in his friend group without going anywhere. I’ve been feeling really bad after that happened and would have danced the night away with him if I could. And now I have no idea what his name or phone number is, just keep replaying that night in my mind.
What is your opinion on a woman taking a man’s beer and having a sip without asking? Is it such an awful gesture that his sudden rejection was warranted? Was he angry, scared off, or just thought I was easy? I am not that type of person and had no ill intentions whatsoever. I just acted on natural impulse and was trying to be flirtatious. Thank you for any advice and comfort.
I would think this was cute. It’s low-stakes, playful boundary pushing that indicates flirtatious interest.
I appreciate it! I still see it from this angle too and those were my exact intentions, even though it was a bold move. Reading everyone’s input helps me feel less bad and consider new perspectives
I’m a girl, so ymmv, but I’m a huge believer in communication, enthusiastic consent in all things, and boundaries. This sort of breaks all 3 of those things, even though its fairly innocuous. I would be much more into it if there was explicit communication about it. “Could I try some of yours?” - this kinda doubles as a great way to check boundaries and consent (of you drinking from my glass), and also as a sort of double entendre if the vibe is there.
This is a great solution, a flirty way to check if it’s ok and, depending on deliverance, it would be more of a turn on versus just grabbing a sip (as a guy).
When I was younger, and as long as it wasn’t my first beer, I’d have interpreted that as “I want some of what you’ve got” and been flattered. Probably some quip like “okay this round’s on me but you’re getting the next one”.
But not everyone’s flirtation styles line up, so be(e) kind to yourself. Make this time a joke to prepare the guy next time, and use their reaction to gauge whether the flirt will pay off (use your best judgment and be safe!). I’m glad you went out on a limb, and I think there’ll be someone who can roll with what you’re bringing
Thank you for the thoughtful comment and encouragement! Do you think there was anything that could be done to fix the situation once it happened? I’m a little worried how much it’s been on my mind since it happened a few nights ago but it is definitely improving with time. I think I’m just feeling lonely romantically nowadays
To fix it? Maybe a “sorry, at least let me buy you a fresh beer” but we’ve all got those idiosyncracies that can change how we’re feeling in a moment. I don’t think it’s all on you - there are myriad other ways he could have responded that might have given an opportunity to clear up the misunderstanding.
And besides, who’s to say he’s not doing the same thing you’re doing, but saying “she was totally flirting with me and I froze, ugh”? But I also agree with some other folks in the thread about asking being the best option next time. Open up those lines of communication, and get yourself a second dance
High risk high reward honestly.
Depending on my mood I could vary from very turned on to grossed out and germophobic.
It’s gross. I don’t want to make you feel insulted, so I’m going to try to be gentle with this, but if a girl drank my beer without asking I’d think that she has poor boundary recognition and that her… hygiene preferences, are incompatible with mine. It would be an immediate and massive turnoff.
I’m sure some people like that, but even if I did like it, it would be a red flag that you did it without asking.
and that her… hygiene preferences, are incompatible with mine
If you’re flirting with her, chances are you’re going to end up kissing anyway, which is a lot less “hygienic”. If you don’t feel like doing that, the interest would probably not be mutual?
I kissed my partner once and it was super gross. I needed to wash my mouth right away. I only did it because it made my partner happy, and I’m glad I did it because my partner was happy, but ew. I like sex much better than kissing because I know how to have sex without involving any fluids. Anyway, if a girl kissed me without consent I would be equally concerned.
Really? The things I like about sex the most involve my mouth too 😅
I didn’t realise some people don’t like kissing! I always assumed everyone liked it. For me it’s always a huge turn on.
I have kissed my partner on the body lots and lots of times, and I’m okay with that because the only fluids involved are mine. My partner isn’t allowed to kiss me back unless I’m really feeling strong and hardy that day, and not on the mouth. It’s allowed to bite me, though. Biting feels a lot more natural and a lot less violent.
Do you have your partner do a proper scrubbing before that? Because otherwise, I have some bad news for you… but not sure you’d want to hear them.
I agree to a point, I think if there were clear indications such as: eye contact, glancing at the drink and smiling and making more eye contact, gently reaching for it, maybe hand contact then glass contact.
That said, I think having it be offered rather than taking would be generally more receptive
This is funny to me! I am definitely not the person to ask, I am not in that zone or area, but to me this is definitely a flirty sign. Granted, my wife loves beer as much as I do and we love sharing it and tasting, so if she did that to me in a club I’d assume she was flirting. (If she drank half my beer now then I’d be upset). Maybe some weird masculine “Breh mreh girls don’t drink beer” BS?
The only thing I can think of as an old man is that post-covid, it’s definitely not very sanitary, and maybe that’s what scared them off? However, I wouldn’t be going to a club if I was worried about that. Thinking about how many people’s sweat you got on you that night…
Oh, to bring the tone down I should say be careful of drinking from drinks that aren’t yours though. My wife was actually roofied. I was luckily there just in the bathroom when it happened, but that was the scariest night of my life. Some absolute asshole drugged her, I walked up and he pissed himself and ran away. It shattered all of my illusions about safety in clubs. So, maybe it would be best to just have your own…
Thank you so much! I’m relieved to hear that you would have interpreted it as I had intended, an innocent flirty sign. It was really the first time I had done that and agree about the sanitation/safety factors. What should I have done to fix it after that happened, if any? For example, I keep wondering if it would’ve helped for me to apologize and clarify my intentions, and try to continue dancing with him. Or do you think he would see that as desperate? Do you think he thought I was an “easy” person without boundaries?
Personally, I think you’re reading into it too much there. I wouldn’t think of it as something an easy girl would do, or desperate, or anything really, just oh, she took a sip from my drink. The only thing I can think of is some weird masculinity thing where he thought you were trying to steal his drink, if anything I think he’s probably reading into it too much.
I would take it as “Okay, you’re loss buddy” and move on. Find someone who wants to split a beer with you (and preferably uses their words instead of stomping off).
@scrubbles saliva on a glass is a magnitude more unsanitary than sweat/breathing if you think about things like EBV and hepatitus.
I’m in the UK, and have been with my wife for about 20 years, so the context might be different, but when I was young and single, that was a big red flag.
I know it’s not the way you meant it, but back then, the girls who did that were generally hard work. There was probably an 80 / 20 chance that they expected you to buy them drinks all night, and were just doing it for the free drinks. If you didn’t buy them, they’d grab the next guy who looked daft enough to fall for it.
Unfortunately once you’ve been caught out by a few people like that, you tend to be suspicious of the genuine people too.
Probably the best thing you could have done afterwards was to buy him a drink and say something like, sorry, I didn’t mean any offence, and leave him alone. Let him make the next move if there is one.
Someone is not getting drunk on a sip of your beer and a sip definitely doesn’t count as a free drink.
Leaving this higher up as a reply so it’s visible - this back and forth between you and @Tippon@lemmy.dbzer0.com was reported. While this discussion generally remained civil, this is a reminder that we should treat each other with good faith on this website as that’s the nice thing to do. This is also a reminder that sometimes it’s healthier to disengage than it is to keep talking past each other.
I know they’re not getting drunk off a sip, and didn’t say that the sip was the free drink.
They’d do this to young single guys, the type who looked naive, and flirtily take a sip from the guy’s drink, making it clear that they wanted a drink of their own. The guy, usually being drunk and stupid, would fall for it and buy them drinks for as long as they kept flirting. At the end of the night, the girls would drop the act and just walk away.
Obviously, nobody owes anyone else anything, and this clearly isn’t what OP was doing but if you’ve been burned by someone taking advantage in the past, you’re more likely to think that’s what’s happening again.
I think you’re reading way too far into a playful action.
Also, buying someone a drink does not make them obligated to sleep with you, but that’s not relevant to the story because nobody bought anyone anything.
OP asked for opinions on why the guy walked away. I offered an opinion based on my experience from my many years running a nightclub. Absolutely nobody has suggested that anyone should be obligated to sleep with anyone else. In fact, the last sentence of my last post said exactly the opposite.
As I’ve repeatedly said, OP was clearly not doing this. I suggested that maybe the guy that OP was flirting with has been burned by someone else doing that to him in the past, and that’s why he reacted in that way.
@appledinosaurcat@beehaw.org I’m not always great at getting my point across, so if I have implied that you did anything wrong, please know that it was not my intention, and I apologise.
Don’t worry about it, thank you for sharing the perspective you gained from your experience. I am just now seeing the exchange below. It wasn’t my intention to create a controversial discussion, but I appreciate you both taking time to offer input.
They didn’t ask that at all, they asked if they were in the wrong.
Your opinion that it may have suggested a lady might be willing to be bought a drink but shockingly would not sleep with the man indeed suggests an obligation that doesn’t exist.
You use the phrase “burned by taking advantage” again suggests an obligation.
Was he angry, scared off, or just thought I was easy?
OP asked for possible reasons for why the man acted the way he did. It’s right there in the post that you apparently didn’t read. I offered one possible explanation based on experience.
I’ve repeatedly said that nobody owes anything to anyone else. You are the person who keeps suggesting that I said different. You seem like you’re trying to paint me into a corner to try and get me to say something that I didn’t. You’re either arguing in bad faith, or are incapable of understanding someone else’s point of view.
To clarify, yet again, the girls who would pull this trick would act as if they were interested in the guy that they chose, and were interested in sleeping with them. They were not interested in sleeping with them, they just wanted free drinks. The guys would find out at the end of the night that these girls were pretending to be interested just to get drinks, and would be annoyed that they had been tricked. At no point did anyone owe anything to anyone else.
A guy who had been tricked like this in the past might avoid anyone that he thinks might be trying it in the future.
Again, OP was clearly not doing this. I only offered this as a possible reason for the way that the guy in OP’s post had acted. It was based on my own experiences from running a nightclub for several years, and seeing people act the same way.
I resent the fact that you’re trying to twist my words to make it sound like I think that people owe other people sex, and I’m done with you. Go troll someone else.
To clarify, yet again, the girls who would pull this trick would act as if they were interested in the guy that they chose, and were interested in sleeping with them. They were not interested in sleeping with them, they just wanted free drinks. The guys would find out at the end of the night that these girls were pretending to be interested just to get drinks, and would be annoyed that they had been tricked. At no point did anyone owe anything to anyone else.
A guy who had been tricked like this in the past might avoid anyone that he thinks might be trying it in the future.
Read this through again. Think about what you’re saying. To suggest it’s a ‘trick’ to accept a gift that’s offered without offering your own self as a reward. If you truly believe that women don’t owe men sex if they buy them a drink then why are you talking about it as if they’re not holding up their end of the bargain?
I wouldn’t consider that desperate or easy, but I’d be icked out by it. I’ll buy somebody a drink, but I don’t want to drink a stranger’s backwash.
This helps, thank you. I can see how he would have no way of knowing that type of behavior is not the norm for me and that I’m not carrying something contagious. It’s all very ironic because I myself tend to be mindful of germs but did that on a whim. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix this once it happened?
“Sorry, I was trying to flirt and I can be awkward sometimes. Can I buy you a fresh beer to make up for it and have a do-over?”
I don’t think gender is of much help here, apart from your preference/orientation when flirting.
Personally, it would’ve put me off a bit if someone I haven’t seen before took a drink out of my hand without asking, because my only way of dissenting would rely on an unprepared attention and strength game - would I’ve been asked (person pointing on the drink or verbally asking), I could say or gesture a yes (Only yes means yes). Asking is sexy.
I agree, thank you. That could’ve been a good opportunity to actually speak to him for the first time. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix the situation once it happened?
That could’ve been a good opportunity to actually speak to him for the first time.
You took someone’s drink… before even having spoken to them first?
That’s all kinds of weird.
Best interpretation would be, you wanted to skip all the talk and other time wasters, and just have a quickie in the bathroom, then maybe exchange numbers or not. Some people are into dogging, others into “free use” orgies, so not trying to shame anyone, but most people are not into those scenes.
Worse interpretations, start at poor hygiene, trying to spike their drink, ending up in not expecting consent, rape, robbing them, or even death. STDs are also a concern (starting with mono, which most but not everyone got, and in some cases can cause acute reactions).
There might be a dom/sub pair that could find that move as reasonable flirting… but not talking it before, is still weird.
was there anything that could have been done to fix the situation
You could’ve tried approaching them and apologizing, but chances are it wouldn’t work.
If you don’t think it should be a normal flirting step towards whatever you want, best thing is to “live and learn”: just don’t do it again.
Weird, I wouldn’t be put off by that at all. It shows you’re comfortable with someone. I’d actually like it if someone does that to me, it makes me feel trusted.
Some people can be pretty germophobic though, but on the other hand if you’re flirting you probably end up (or desire to end up) kissing the person so in the scope of that it’s not really a big thing.
But anyway, people are different, clearly for him it was a problem but it definitely isn’t for me. Don’t worry about it, you sound like a nice person! Sometimes people are just incompatible.
Thank you so much! This is very true. You seem like a friendly bee too :)
@appledinosaurcat I can imagine for some people it might give a strange vibe around respecting consent and boundaries.
That makes sense, thank you. I didn’t think of that and consider how things looked from his side. I keep wondering though, was there anything that could have been done to fix the situation once it happened?
@appledinosaurcat I’m probably not the best person to ask because my idea of flirtation has always been fairly direct.
But I’d have probably gone up to him and said something like “hey sorry about before, I was trying to flirt with you but I see now it put you off me.” And then if the response was positive, “Can I buy you a new beer to make up for it?”
It’s very very sexy, I would have dug it
It’s bold, at least. You should have asked before you did that, many people view sharing drinks as about as intimate as kissing. I could see it working in some circumstances and being playful, but in the future if it doesn’t work you should probably buy the guy a replacement beer lol. Live and learn.
I’m with you and appreciate the input. The thing is I have this hunch that if I were to have kissed him instead of taken his beer, and everything else stayed the same, he would have reacted extremely differently. Which means he was put off by something else, selective drink sharing-only germophobia, ego/masculinity, wanting to be the one to make moves, or any other myraid of reasons
Some of the responses here have me laughing at how uptight they are. What you did was perfectly normal, he was rude and you’re best off not thinking about him ever again. Fuck that guy!
I know, right? I think some of the answers in this thread are wild.
People are allowed to have their own hygiene boundaries, but some of the views in this thread seem fundamentally incompatible with dancing with other people.
Hahah before this encounter happened, I really had no idea just how controversial this question could be. Now I know and hopefully it helps someone else out there as well
Thank you for offering the more passionate support on this thread. I feel a lot better about it all after processing it some more. I totally agree it was the abrupt way he just dropped it that shocked me a little especially given how into our other interactions he seemed
I don’t like sharing my plate with family.
I wouldn’t have dropped you like that, after a single offense. I would have made it very clear, that beer was now yours, and I would not be drinking any more of it.
If you did something like that a second time that night? Yah. Then it would’ve been over.
