Before I start, yes I know this is my fault for being cheap and I’m an idiot for using Apple products.

Now…

Some time ago, I realized that the only way I could make sure my kid would get up in the morning since she refuses to use an alarm clock was to shine a bright light on her. Since she has apparently become a nudist while in her room, this means I need a way to turn that light on without opening her door. In comes the smart bulb. I also decide to get a second for my office light because what the hell, but I’m not really interested in any other home automation.

iOS’ Homekit does not play well with many smart bulbs, so you have to be careful about what you buy- as I found out.

The first ones we got were Sylvania and it did say Homekit on the box, and they worked fine, except they were Bluetooth and I sometimes wasn’t able to get close enough for it to work. I kept at it for a few weeks, but I finally decided to spend a little extra on the WiFi bulbs.

So the first ones I bought at Menards, where I saved big money. It said there was an iOS app, but it did not say Homekit on the side. I assumed. Stupid me. No, if you want to do things like have it work with Siri, you have to do a bunch of individual commands and they are slow. No way. You also can’t put it in Control Center to turn it on and off without using Siri. That only works with Homekit.

Next, I decided to order some online, but since I’m poor and cheap, I decided to save some money.

This is why you become at least marginally computer-savvy, kids. Although it will involve a great deal of swearing:

I got a decent deal on a couple of bulbs from what was obviously a Chinese company on Amazon. It said they were Homekit compatible and the reviews said they worked fine.

So, I order them. They come in a couple of days later. “AIYATO” brand smart bulbs. Maybe? I don’t remember the name. The instructions are two lines and suggest you just need Homekit, which you didn’t from the Sylvania bulb, you also need an installation app. But what the hell. Tried a few times. Didn’t work.

Clearly I need an app. So I go to the app store. No AIYATO app listed. Okay, I’ll go back to the order and see if anyone talks about how to get it to work in the reviews. Wait a second… it says the bulb is DoHome brand. I wonder if THEY have an app?

Yes. Yes they do.

I download the app, do the stupid registration thing so that China now has access to everything I own, and it tells me to look for the name of the bulb brand as a Wifi access point. There are only two access points available. My router, and another one which starts with CozyLife. That’s the only thing it could possibly be. So I join it and tell the app.

It doesn’t work. That’s not the right Wifi name. ARGH. I try a couple of times. I do a hard reset of the light like the horrible Engrish troubleshooting says to. Still no. Finally I think: maybe there is a CozyLife app? Oh. There is. Download and install that? I create a new login for the Chinese to have access to everything I own and…

It installs the light? Yes! Homekit installs the light after I annoyingly have to unscrew the bulb, take a picture of the QR code on the side and then screw it back in? Yes!

Does it work with Siri? Yes!

Does it work with Siri on my watch? Well… nothing’s perfect. But it works with the home app on my watch. Close enough.

But yes. Clearly the same Chinese smart bulb company has at least three different names and I had to figure out the right name to use but that was never made clear anywhere, along with instructions on the box that did not work.

Now the really scary part: they also, according to their app, make a smart space heater.