As the title says. My mom was always nagging, neurotic, overbearing, and domineering. She needed to control every aspect of my lives, to the point when I was a teen and still felt dependent and handicapped. She always imposed her anxieties and worries into me, it’s just so draining. She only feels comfortable when I leave the house for school. If I leave for any other reason, she seems exasperated. I prefer living in her house over living alone because I don’t have the means to do the latter. She gets mad that I don’t know how to drive and says she wants to teach me, but then refuses to teach me how. Just the other day, my brother who is in his late 20s, said he wanted to take a taxi to his place after a family gathering, and she just flipped out on him. She said “we all arrive here together and we all leave here together.” She just ruined the night with her screaming. That’s how fucked up she is. My grown brother, who has his own place, still has to give my mom control over the most trivial aspects of his life. That’s how deep our fear of her is. I can go on, and I’m willing to give more specific details if asked. I blame my weak father and deranged mother for a lot of the flaws I have now. It feels like I’m dealing with a nagging monster who never dies, and that kills me to say because I do love her (despite hating her) and will cry like a removed when she dies. However, I’m just at the point where I just want her to shut the fuck up, and stick to doing meals and laundry. Can anyone else relate? My life is already not perfect and a nagging monster by my side doesn’t help. It’s like she wants to infuse our egos together.
One thing i have to comment on, blame is much like an excuse. I haven’t had a great childhood myself. Both my parents where mentally challenged, ive been taking care of them since i was 12. But i don’t blame them. It is what it is, and now i move on. I feel blame is another way of saying “i dont have to change because its their fault”
Mind you, i blamed my parents for a while… But in the end, they are just a product of their upbringing. And i choose to not be. I choose to make my own choices, and be responsible for my own life.
I hope you can get past the blame part, and start focussing on what is to come, not that which was. Focus on your “flaws” and change them.
Good luck!
The comment left by johannes is spot on. I can relate to a lot of how you describe your mom, but I very much share their mentality on the matter. At some point, you have to own that you are who you are because of your choices. Just because someone/something may have influenced or caused your flaws doesn’t mean you have to lay down and take it forever. If you do, that’s your choice and the blame shifts to you, whether you want to accept it or not.
It’s hard, but you’ve gotta realize that you have 2 “good” options. Either cut her out of your life and figure out how to be self-sufficient, or keep her in your life, but set boundaries. You cannot expect her to just change on her own, because thats not going to happen. It’s really difficult to set boundaries, but it worked for me and my mom. Granted, I needed to not be living with her or dependent on her to be strong enough to do it. If she is housing you, feeding you, cleaning for you, etc., she has a lot of power over you, and will continue to use that as leverage to get her way. And when she doesn’t have that power over you anymore, she’ll likely focus hard on the emotional power she has over you. You need to focus on getting out of her house so you can stand a chance at successfully setting boundaries.
Also helped a lot that my brothers helped pave the way. Maybe talk to your brother about starting the practice of setting his own boundaries since he’s more independent. Lean on each other. I would’ve struggled so much more without my brothers, and they are the only ones that truly knew what I was going through since they grew up with the same mom.
Good luck. It’s going to be a really difficult road, but don’t give up. Once you make it through, I promise life will be so much better, and you’ll be a stronger person for it.
She may be a narcissist, and you might benefit from looking for r/raisedbynarcissists or the equivalent Lemmy community.
My mom keeps telling me to stop “faking depression” 🥲
Which just makes me wanna jump of a bridge.
Also any time I wanna try differnt meds, she tells me to “stop relying of medicine” and “just go outside” 🫠
Yea I might go outside… to jump of a bridge…
🫂 It can get better and once you are free of her usually does.
A lot of people do and it sounds like you have excellent reasons to hate her. Is psychotherapy an option for you? It would help unpack a lot of the stuff. The pitch to your mom could be that a therapist would see right through it if you are faking it, and she would get more time to herself.
Gotta work on your pitch though since it sounds like she might be averse to the idea.
I was abused as a child and I don’t mean “oh, my parents made me go to school” I mean my parents made the first 20 years of my life hell. My dad was more physical but my mom was more indifferent/just a bully. I don’t have any memory of her ever being supportive of me. The opposite in fact. I was never good enough for her. She was always yelling at me and telling how I’ll grow up to be nothing. As of now I only talk to my parents on special occasions like Thanksgiving or Christmas. I don’t know how my brothers or sisters think of them but for me I want nothing to do with them.
I HATE their mom! She’s the worst!
Having some room to be yourself could improve the relationship. I remember when I moved out of my moms house, I stopped feeling anxious about constantly having to disrespect my boundaries and that made our interactions a bit better.
Everyone has a limit, anything beyond that will turn into resentment.
stick to doing meals and laundry
She’s not your maid. Make your own meals and do your own laundry.
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I’m sorry you’re forced to live with her. I’ve been there. You aren’t alone, and you are stronger than you think.
Here’s a prayer/mantra/whatever that has helped me:
“May we be victorious over our fears. May we be happy without hope. May we be of benefit to all.”
You don’t have to be like her. You aren’t her. You are who you are despite her, not because of her.
Used to hate, I learned to pity her as she cannot help herself. This process needs detaching that pity from any perceived responsibility though, she’s doing it to herself and as long as she doesn’t realize that I don’t feel responsible, I’m over that too.
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